There is this moment, when you meet someone, after dating them for a little while, that you know in your heart you want this person to continue being a part of your life. Once your heart sinks a little, and you get butterflies knowing you'll be seeing them soon, you're a fucking goner. As their character unfolds, and doesn't disappoint, every waking moment begins to take you hostage by thoughts of them. I've been bit, bit by the arrow, and I've been bit hard. Sure, this person still has flaws; and one is not so naive as to ignore them completely. A wise older married couple once told me, marriage is a compromise; you just have to decide what you're willing to live with, and what you can't live without.
Even though I've been a tough old broad, independent since age 17 and spent many years alone, I've always known that I would one day find the amazing and grounding relationship I need, deserve and want. I am admittedly, a hardcore romantic; a deeply emotional and hard-loving woman. I fall fast, I fall hard and usually, by the 6 month mark, I know in my heart if this is going to work out. The honeymoon is always great, but as is the case in almost all of my past relationships, I usually ignored that strong intuition of knowing it's time to turn around and go the other way. Maybe I do this because I've already invested so much, but I think it's mostly because I never learned to trust myself. I made a promise, after giving another four years to a decidedly obvious bad decision, I would trust myself without a doubt the next time around until I land where it's great; not good... great.
Let's be honest, falling in love is actually desperately agonizing. It's full of anxiety, insecurity and unknowing. So why then, should this seemingly wonderful feeling, at the same time be so completely painful? It's the prospect of hope. Hope is the killer of all assuredness. One only hopes this is the last time you have to go seeking, to start over getting to know someone, building trust and finding a deeper connection. By a certain age, you become exhausted, jaded and gun-shy. At this point, I pretty much gave up looking and decided to settle on just being the best me, date myself and invest in my dream future as a single. Although it is scary as fuck to think of the prospect of me building some sort of homestead on a remote piece of land off-grid, I have the courage to try. The beautiful and most exhilarating yet scary thing, is meeting someone with the same goal. That killer hope, could really burn my heart if this seemingly perfect life-mate doesn't pan out. Who the hell is going to build my earthship if it isn't he?
So, as they say, tread lightly; eyes wide open, protect yourself, don't give it all away too fast, etc. etc. blah blah. It's true, being broken causes you to build walls, to shield yourself from risk and daring to dream. As a dreamer, a lover and a fighter; I'll stick with Hemingway: "The best way to trust someone, is to trust them". So here I go...head first.
