Sober Journey

Today, I have 2 years of continuous sobriety.  This is nothing short of a miracle.  Since the age of 15 I either smoked weed, drank like a sailor, took copious amounts of party drugs or I was ingesting psychedelics all while creating a long line of wreckage behind me.  I did not end up in the gutter, or homeless, or in jail, but I came real close.  After I went to rehab at age 17, I thought I had a pretty solid grip on my using with the tools I learned there.  I would always pride myself on "having my shit together" despite my reckless antics.  Compared to most of my friends, I did have my shit together.  I had a great job, my own apartment on Lake Merritt, a car and enough money to party with.  But by the end, I saw my life getting wobbly.  2 years ago, I was on a birthday bender that lasted 5 days with little to no sleep.  I was incapable of even dressing myself, and I was so looped I remember begging the guy I was with to just save me and take me away from here.  

In other words, I wanted to die.  

3 days after that bender wound down, I finally sought help.  Most people who get sober have a lot of wreckage to clean up.  I am so incredibly grateful that most of my wreckage was with myself.  As soon I made the decision to leave my self destructive ways at the door, my life got better.  And it continues to get better. In the last 2 years,  I have traveled to New Mexico, Arizona, LA, Disneyland, Wisconsin, Tennessee, and most recently, Iceland.  I have found a wonderful sober man to partner with in this crazy new journey.  In a few months I'll be travelling to Canada to witness an old friend get married.  When I was drinking and using, I was lucky to go camping once a summer.  I simply couldn't afford to take trips like this.  My boyfriend and I are planning much more international travel for the future, and I have no doubt we'll do it all!  

Rio Grande Gorge, NM

Sobriety isn't just about fancy vacations though.  For me, it's a multi-layered journey that unfolds a little bit at a time.  I work on myself in different areas at different times, and each new encounter I receive wisdom about how to be a better human, and learn how to be more authentically myself. This past year I started to see a glimpse of who I was before I started using drugs.  Back when I was a young teenager, still a bit innocent and before I got really angsty, there was a girl in there who loved Black & White films, standards and jazz, playing musical instruments, writing, and reading.  That last one has hit me hard this year.  I have read 5 books alone just in the last three months!  I remembered that I was intelligent, full of promise and capable of doing anything I wanted if I just put the work in. 

Sobriety today means that those possibilities are still true.  I no longer beat myself up about the things I never accomplished.  I relish in the fact that anything is still possible.  I have confidence that I can do anything I want.  I have faith that through prayer and meditation I will walk the path that is meant for me.  Best of all, I love myself today.  I have hope, that others close to me who are still suffering will find the solution for their lives as well.  

Coronado National Forest, AZ

No one really wants to admit they are an alcoholic or an addict.  There is a strong stigma attached to that label, especially for those who come from Christian backgrounds.  I felt judged and ostracized from my youth group leaders back when I went to rehab at 17.  I didn't feel comfortable talking to them about my problems because they didn't align with the teachings of the church.  This colored my spirituality permanently.  Today I can understand why I felt judged because it's really hard to understand why people poison themselves despite knowing the consequences.  Addiction is a disease.  A DIS - EASE of the body and an obsession of the mind.  Through a new found spiritual practice and by working a solid program I can safely say that anyone can recover from addiction, despite the crippling shame and judgment from others.  I am living proof.  

Djupavogshreppur, Eastern Iceland Fjords

There is hope, there is a solution and there is kindness, joy and laughter outside of the "party".  It's really easy to believe that life will not be as fun without drugs and alcohol, but I can assure you, what I was doing was not fun compared the real joy I get to experience today.  Hangovers? Crippling shame and self-hate? ... yeah, real fun.  The thing is, we use drugs and alcohol to numb pain.  Whatever it is that's plaguing us about living life on life's terms seems only to be relieved through self medicating.  However, self medicating doesn't just numb pain - it also numbs joy.  What we might feel as representing extreme fun or that shot of adrenaline or seratonin, is quite fleeting and only drops us into a deeper hole upon the come-down; causing us to need more and more substances to experience that same high.  And on the merry-go-round we go; over and over until drugs stop working, at which point, most people either get help, or die trying.  

Today I have money in the bank, pride in my work, great relationships with friends and family, and a chronic illness that causes fatigue and pain daily but I don't have to drink over it.  I care for myself today, and most importantly, I get to be a useful and caring human being for others in the way they cared for me when I was new to sobriety.  

I am so incredibly grateful to be alive today and not want to die.  I am so blessed that the loving members of my family and community have shown me what trust, faith and real love can look like.  Today, I am happy, joyous and free.  

Glacier Lagoon, Eastern Iceland