Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug

I have read several sources that claim being in love is like being high on cocaine.  For weeks I couldn't sleep more than 6 hours, I was hardly eating and every waking moment took me down with thoughts of him.  I couldn't focus on work, or anything else.  For a while all I could do was write and run.  After an extra dose of cocaine, you start to want more, and more, and more... I became a junkie.  My drug dealer started to notice that I was becoming a fiend, and he started to dole out the source in a calculated and safer manner.  But a junkie can't just ween off without facing the problem on one's own.  I freaked out, I got itchy, jumpy and super sensitive over everything.  I have to wonder, is controlled, well-dosed out servings the best way to proceed?  Let's be honest, an addict can't just have one drink and call it quits for the week.  I am a junkie of all kinds of vices, and even though the years have given me wisdom and manageable self-control, this is a new kind of drug; and I like it a lot.  

His amazing love is my cocaine, but he is not responsible for being my dealer.  He couldn't possibly be that sinister.  No, this addiction is my cross to bear alone and as in any comedown, one must bear the shame of behaviors this junkie has displayed.  This past year has been a long road of comedowns, and have taught me that sobriety is grounding, peaceful and ultimately so much healthier.  I don't know if I can taste the cocaine in small doses and find a way to have self-control to let it go when it's time, but this is an ultimate exercise in self awareness.  I have never had a love like this before, and I think I am meant to finally learn those nagging old lessons; to really draw healthy boundaries and practice great self love.  I've easily lost myself in someone else before, and as any addiction, it doesn't end well.  You lose friends, it isolates you from the people you love outside the relationship and you end up alone and lost when it ends.  

This is not my first rodeo with addiction, but with everything, healthy living is a practice and not easily learned overnight.  I like to think I try to make every life challenge a learning and growing experience; using deep self examination and allowing it to carve out a better me.  There is indeed a lot of heartbreak in the world, but I have to work at not allowing that to always be my narrative.  Pain, suffering, grief and addiction are indeed a part of my story; but I think this new found and glorious love is here to remind and show me that life is also incredibly beautiful, caring and trustworthy.  It's time for me to write that story too.