Milestones of an Ever-Changing Onion

The beauty about going through difficult times, skidding across the gravel and hitting those brick walls is that you peel back the layers of protective skin, and get down to brass tacks with yourself.  When you're all roughed up, scabby and bleeding, you find out what you're really made of.  I guess this is what they call "life" and frankly, I'm grateful.  Without the hard hitting times, I never would have emerged the strong, beautiful butterfly I am today. 

This past winter I had my heart broken so viciously I thought at almost 35 I had already been through enough relationship pain that it wouldn't really ever happen again.  I don't think someone has hurt me that deeply since my first love blindsided me with another girl back when I was 17.  Fortunately, it's the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  In such anguish, one finds a way to build strength to hopefully never go through that again.  Allowing someone in my heart to have it handed back in shambles drove me to really find out why.  Why would I not protect myself better?  Why didn't I see this coming?  I'm not saying one should go through life hiding behind walls or a consistently guarded heart, because there is so much beauty and strength in allowing yourself to be vulnerable, but it did make me do a personal inventory of boundaries, and lack thereof.   

As I broach 35, I realize the real beauty in truth, and that is the honesty I have faced with myself.  I have finally learned what I am worth, what I deserve, what makes me truly happy and I finally really, truly, deeply love myself.  I have seen that to be human is to err, and boy do we all.  The beauty in human nature is that we are all different, but we all struggle to feel confident and ok sometimes.  No one is better than I am, no one is prettier or more beautiful than the beauty I see and believe in my own heart.  I am finally in a place to celebrate the beauty of humanity because I finally celebrate my own.  It's really hard to appreciate beauty and strength in others when you're unsure or insecure about your own.  You are shifty, uncomfortable and tend to overcomepensate for your own shortcomings in often an unnatural and glaring obvious fashion.  No one buys it.  I certainly didn't. 

So, I embrace this milestone birthday, even though I may not be where I thought I would be (still single, no children...sigh) because I am good enough, right where I'm at, today, this moment.  I love who I am as a woman, for all my faults and my shortcomings, but also for all my strengths and power too.  Once I cleaned out the yucky self-hate tapes, I looked at who I am fundamentally and I like me, gosh darnit, I really like me. 

I hope this helps you to like yourself more too; because we are all beautiful in our own ways .  I hope this encourages some of you to allow yourself to be just a little bit more vulnerable out there.  Without risk there is no reward, and just imagine, how much more connected we can be if we allowed our own self love and strength to carry the risk of opening up to others. 

Thanks to everyone in my life who has always loved me for who I truly am all those years I didn't for myself.  Because of your love, I found hope and now believe it for myself too.  

Happy Birthday to me. I'm grateful to be alive.