Milestones of an Ever-Changing Onion

The beauty about going through difficult times, skidding across the gravel and hitting those brick walls is that you peel back the layers of protective skin, and get down to brass tacks with yourself.  When you're all roughed up, scabby and bleeding, you find out what you're really made of.  I guess this is what they call "life" and frankly, I'm grateful.  Without the hard hitting times, I never would have emerged the strong, beautiful butterfly I am today. 

This past winter I had my heart broken so viciously I thought at almost 35 I had already been through enough relationship pain that it wouldn't really ever happen again.  I don't think someone has hurt me that deeply since my first love blindsided me with another girl back when I was 17.  Fortunately, it's the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  In such anguish, one finds a way to build strength to hopefully never go through that again.  Allowing someone in my heart to have it handed back in shambles drove me to really find out why.  Why would I not protect myself better?  Why didn't I see this coming?  I'm not saying one should go through life hiding behind walls or a consistently guarded heart, because there is so much beauty and strength in allowing yourself to be vulnerable, but it did make me do a personal inventory of boundaries, and lack thereof.   

As I broach 35, I realize the real beauty in truth, and that is the honesty I have faced with myself.  I have finally learned what I am worth, what I deserve, what makes me truly happy and I finally really, truly, deeply love myself.  I have seen that to be human is to err, and boy do we all.  The beauty in human nature is that we are all different, but we all struggle to feel confident and ok sometimes.  No one is better than I am, no one is prettier or more beautiful than the beauty I see and believe in my own heart.  I am finally in a place to celebrate the beauty of humanity because I finally celebrate my own.  It's really hard to appreciate beauty and strength in others when you're unsure or insecure about your own.  You are shifty, uncomfortable and tend to overcomepensate for your own shortcomings in often an unnatural and glaring obvious fashion.  No one buys it.  I certainly didn't. 

So, I embrace this milestone birthday, even though I may not be where I thought I would be (still single, no children...sigh) because I am good enough, right where I'm at, today, this moment.  I love who I am as a woman, for all my faults and my shortcomings, but also for all my strengths and power too.  Once I cleaned out the yucky self-hate tapes, I looked at who I am fundamentally and I like me, gosh darnit, I really like me. 

I hope this helps you to like yourself more too; because we are all beautiful in our own ways .  I hope this encourages some of you to allow yourself to be just a little bit more vulnerable out there.  Without risk there is no reward, and just imagine, how much more connected we can be if we allowed our own self love and strength to carry the risk of opening up to others. 

Thanks to everyone in my life who has always loved me for who I truly am all those years I didn't for myself.  Because of your love, I found hope and now believe it for myself too.  

Happy Birthday to me. I'm grateful to be alive. 

Onion Layers

Sometimes, when we are reeling from chaos back there, setting a bunch of new goals and disciplines are a completely scoffable idea.  2014 basically ripped me a new asshole, and I'm willing to bet I am not the only one.  I sense better times are ahead, but not without really absorbing whatever we were meant to learn in the last 12 months.  If you didn't learn something from those trials, then I think the next few months may not seem that much better.  I for one, am determined to really embrace the skin flaying pain I've endured as a definite mental notice to take heed; repeats will occur if you don't.

As I broach 35, it's sobering to realize you're no longer finding yourself,  you're defining yourself.  Keep It Moving is generally my motto when I feel stuck in an emotional circle I can't seem to shake.  The tough keep moving.  It certainly seemed to work for FDR.  I've had ample time to feel the feels and now I need to pick up some gas. Pushing through an emotional balloon that seems to have sucked you into it's distorted view, is just as pleasant as sticking yourself with a needle.  Yet it must be done.  Adapt or die.  Kiss whatever good thing you thought you had back there with sweet sorrow and keep it the fuck moving.  I realized the other day, I started 2014 with the song "Break My Stride"; and quite fitting, I embrace that mantra more than ever.  Only this year, it's less about not letting anyone break my stride, and instead, not letting anyone hold me down...again.

I will press on, continue to shed my deep onion layers, rustle those dust bunnies in the corners of my soul and shine that mirror further in.  For we are but vessels - open caverns to expel the gifts we are given.

Le Chiem.  To life.  Cheers, and Happy New Year.

Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug

I have read several sources that claim being in love is like being high on cocaine.  For weeks I couldn't sleep more than 6 hours, I was hardly eating and every waking moment took me down with thoughts of him.  I couldn't focus on work, or anything else.  For a while all I could do was write and run.  After an extra dose of cocaine, you start to want more, and more, and more... I became a junkie.  My drug dealer started to notice that I was becoming a fiend, and he started to dole out the source in a calculated and safer manner.  But a junkie can't just ween off without facing the problem on one's own.  I freaked out, I got itchy, jumpy and super sensitive over everything.  I have to wonder, is controlled, well-dosed out servings the best way to proceed?  Let's be honest, an addict can't just have one drink and call it quits for the week.  I am a junkie of all kinds of vices, and even though the years have given me wisdom and manageable self-control, this is a new kind of drug; and I like it a lot.  

His amazing love is my cocaine, but he is not responsible for being my dealer.  He couldn't possibly be that sinister.  No, this addiction is my cross to bear alone and as in any comedown, one must bear the shame of behaviors this junkie has displayed.  This past year has been a long road of comedowns, and have taught me that sobriety is grounding, peaceful and ultimately so much healthier.  I don't know if I can taste the cocaine in small doses and find a way to have self-control to let it go when it's time, but this is an ultimate exercise in self awareness.  I have never had a love like this before, and I think I am meant to finally learn those nagging old lessons; to really draw healthy boundaries and practice great self love.  I've easily lost myself in someone else before, and as any addiction, it doesn't end well.  You lose friends, it isolates you from the people you love outside the relationship and you end up alone and lost when it ends.  

This is not my first rodeo with addiction, but with everything, healthy living is a practice and not easily learned overnight.  I like to think I try to make every life challenge a learning and growing experience; using deep self examination and allowing it to carve out a better me.  There is indeed a lot of heartbreak in the world, but I have to work at not allowing that to always be my narrative.  Pain, suffering, grief and addiction are indeed a part of my story; but I think this new found and glorious love is here to remind and show me that life is also incredibly beautiful, caring and trustworthy.  It's time for me to write that story too.  

The Deep End

There is this moment, when you meet someone, after dating them for a little while, that you know in your heart you want this person to continue being a part of your life.  Once your heart sinks a little, and you get butterflies knowing you'll be seeing them soon, you're a fucking goner.  As their character unfolds, and doesn't disappoint, every waking moment begins to take you hostage by thoughts of them.  I've been bit, bit by the arrow, and I've been bit hard.  Sure, this person still has flaws; and one is not so naive as to ignore them completely.   A wise older married couple once told me, marriage is a compromise; you just have to decide what you're willing to live with, and what you can't live without.  

Even though I've been a tough old broad, independent since age 17 and spent many years alone, I've always known that I would one day find the amazing and grounding relationship I need, deserve and want.  I am admittedly, a hardcore romantic; a deeply emotional and hard-loving woman.  I fall fast, I fall hard and usually, by the 6 month mark, I know in my heart if this is going to work out.  The honeymoon is always great, but as is the case in almost all of my past relationships, I usually ignored that strong intuition of knowing it's time to turn around and go the other way.  Maybe I do this because I've already invested so much, but I think it's mostly because I never learned to trust myself.  I made a promise, after giving another four years to a decidedly obvious bad decision, I would trust myself without a doubt the next time around until I land where it's great; not good... great.  

Let's be honest, falling in love is actually desperately agonizing.  It's full of anxiety, insecurity and unknowing.  So why then, should this seemingly wonderful feeling, at the same time be so completely painful?  It's the prospect of hope.  Hope is the killer of all assuredness.  One only hopes this is the last time you have to go seeking, to start over getting to know someone, building trust and finding a deeper connection.  By a certain age, you become exhausted, jaded and gun-shy.  At this point, I pretty much gave up looking and decided to settle on just being the best me, date myself and invest in my dream future as a single.  Although it is scary as fuck to think of the prospect of me building some sort of homestead on a remote piece of land off-grid, I have the courage to try.  The beautiful and most exhilarating yet scary thing, is meeting someone with the same goal.  That killer hope, could really burn my heart if this seemingly perfect life-mate doesn't pan out.  Who the hell is going to build my earthship if it isn't he?  

So, as they say, tread lightly; eyes wide open, protect yourself, don't give it all away too fast, etc. etc. blah blah.  It's true, being broken causes you to build walls, to shield yourself from risk and daring to dream.  As a dreamer, a lover and a fighter; I'll stick with Hemingway: "The best way to trust someone, is to trust them".  So here I go...head first.  

Oakland

Oakland is a town rich with history; black history; rife with stories of bygone eras, rough and glorious. Growing up in the Bay Area, Oakland was only a place my dad worked late at night from the early 80's until today. I remember harried stories of the crack days and beautiful Chinese restaurant owners who sent home pastries. Oakland was never on my radar until my best friends paved the wild west and claimed it was fantastic. So I made the move, and what I bring is 8 years of hard fought loyalty. I am a die hard A's fan, a Baggy's/Queer/Lake/West/Kaiser Employed/Soldier Death Sibling Survivor/Bike Party/Neighborhood Beautification Project Loving Oakland Woman. Sometimes I feel like the Carrie Bradshaw of my apartment building, I will never leave until my "Big" chance comes along. Oakland, your stray cats, Bermuda Triangle, progressive communities, idealistic city council and bizarre Mayor make me love you. You have been the backdrop for my life. The "pot" for my roots to grow. You have created the perfect scene for a life of color, creativity and challenge. I have seen Chicago, Madison, LA, New York, Miami and DC, and nothing compares to your micro-climate 70 degree weather, Brooklyn Ave and perfectly climbable native Grand Oak Trees. There are three things I respect more than anything: Billie Holiday, The Truth, and Oakland. Billie will always feel like home, the truth will wrap you in Freedom and Oakland, the perfect backdrop for it all. 

The Human Behind the Work

If you are fortunate enough to have a job, or even as lucky to have a career or long term commitment with your employer, then this post is for you.  

I have been with my company for over 8 years.  I didn't set out to have this career, rather nepotism and a winning personality landed me here.  I kid of course; but really I am very lucky to have this opportunity.  I am also fortunate enough to enjoy most of the work that I do; that is, the actual tasks, not the industry really, or the daily politics that is office life.  I like to think I'm good at what I do and that my work is valuable.  Yet, after 8 bumpy years I find myself staring out the window that is potentially a life long path of more of the same.  As some of my other writings might indicate, I suffer from depression from time to time and the whole daily grind of dragging oneself out of bed to sit in an office box finds me panicky and unable to find motivation.  Despite many attempts at reforming the work world (i.e., ROWE - results oriented work environment) I believe there is still this element of presenteeism that you cannot escape.  

I have believed that at times I could rule the world from my bed in my jammies.  If you've seen the first Sex and the City movie, you'll remember Samantha and Miranda negotiating Carrie's apt. buyback and personal business dealings from a cell phone, in a bathing suit, from a Mexican beach resort.  It's true.  You probably could rule the world from the comfort of wherever you want to be.  Regardless of my personal bedtime accomplishments, I find myself facing the old presentee predicament.  Rather, it's a predicament of my soul.  

I had a boss once that was tough, genuinely sweet and caring, and someone who would fight for you if you worked hard.  She was only beginning to mentor me and help me find a path to a promotion, when the office politics got the best of her.  She and the company parted ways after 27 years of service.  I only realized after she was gone, how much I needed her.  

As winter is fast approaching, I find myself deep in a funk that begs me to question every single moment of life.  I think we all have negative voices that we battle, but I am so often mired by the self sabotage that I don't realize how abusive I am to myself.  This morning a truly horrifying inner voice shook me up.  What the hell am I saying to myself??  This is the sort of thing a deeply disturbed alcoholic and violently abusive husband would say to his wife in a Lifetime movie.  I really have to be nicer to myself.  No wonder I'm depressed.  

Looking for a soft shoulder in my mind, I remembered my old boss.  She wasn't the smartest person in the room, and frankly; she was very technically challenged, which is weird in a tech heavy department.  How did she get so far if she seemingly had no skills?  She was genuinely nice to people.  After all, the work comes from human beings.  There are people behind all of the mundane tasks.  There are families, lives, feelings and struggles behind every desk.  At the end of the day, little tasks and projects will eventually get done, but they won't, if you as an employee are feeling like a robot.  We cannot thrive this way and work in our little boxes like mechanical creatures.  At the root of presenteeism, is the human face.  Kindness and understanding that this other human being needs something from you so they can do something for someone else, because we're all just struggling in this life day by day is easily a forgotten element of the work life.  

And just like that, I think I can feel human again.  It's these other people that we sometimes forget we need to help keep us grounded in our daily grind.  

This Thanksgiving season, I am so thankful for the kind generosity my old boss gave me.  She is a great example of how we can all be great employees, nay, humans, through empathy.  Although some people can be devious, manipulative and difficult to work with, every one of us has our own personal back story, and it takes a greater strength to bear that in mind than to join in the ranks of politicking and power play.  As long as I can empathize with the lovely souls I've shared 8 great years with, I think I can keep going for maybe another decade or so.  Here's hoping I'm that lucky.  

Soundtrack of a Lifetime

Music is such a crazy thing.  I recently downloaded my entire iTunes library to my phone.  A lot of that music I downloaded about 3 years ago; a time when my life changed dramatically.  Trolling through some of these songs that I haven't heard since then, has given me a sad sort of longing.

The year I turned 30 I became a new woman; not only within my body and soul, but within my spirit.  I had been mourning the death of my brother and the split of my parents simultaneously.  So, for the two years leading up to my 30th, you could say I experienced a pretty intense Saturn's Return.  Coming into that year I was introduced to a LOT of new music and I spent a lot of time building that library.  I started a new chapter with a group of friends that I suspect I will retain for a long time, but after the initial crazy good times, things have calmed down.  A lot.

I guess you could call this a rebuilding year.  It's good to reflect on the good times, the bad, and the lessons it all teaches us.  The past 5 years has shown me how death, divorce, friendship, relationships and heartbreak can embed itself into the music you play as the soundtrack.  Revisiting these soundtracks is like visiting a grave.  Those times, those feelings... are moments of the past and are essentially dead, yet living in the music.

It's hard not to live in the past.  But ultimately, you'll end up in your own grave if you don't pull yourself out.   It's hard not to feel like there are gaping holes going forward.  The truth is, there are.  People have come and gone, the party is over, and you're left feeling a little empty.  But these gaping holes present a purpose; an opportunity.  A lesson learned to fill your life with better, lasting people and experiences.