I can't even begin to explain how losing Ben has driven such a pill of pain into my soul forever. I know death is part of life, and after some years, you learn to get used to dealing with it. Most of the time it's true, but death keeps happening in tragic ways to my family, and it's getting old. Going through the motions of daily life seems so asinine sometimes. I find it hard to be motivated to just, go on. It's really that simple. I just want to lie on the couch and drink copious amounts of alcohol and watch unending bad TV dramas until they solve all of my problems. I obviously work through that coping mechanism, since I'm still gainfully employed. But really, the simplest things...laundry, cooking, is like stabbing my eye with a splinter.
Since everyday shit is hard, I have developed a deep dark hole where love should be. Things didn't work out with my ex of 2 years because I suspect that maybe I need someone else to fill the bottomless cavern in my heart and that might just be an impossible request. All of this loss feels like abandonment, so naturally I feel desperate even more for a companion. But potential companions don't like desperate; it's too much pressure... and so it goes.
Suffice it to say, I need a win. I can't seem to get enough strength or courage together to just "love myself and be alone and secure" and all that bullshit. I am confident, I know I've got goods to offer. I might be depressed but I'm not a loser. So, I am putting this out into the universe: Please find me, and hug me, and tell me you love me and that I am a special soul so desperately in need of human kindness and love. I am sad, and hurting and I can see that in others too. I can relate, and hug you back and love you too. Wherever you are out there... I am here too. Let's find a way through it.. together.
