I am leaving the city, and moving to the woods. It's been a long time coming. For the last 5 years or so, this life in Oakland has started to feel like it was coming to the end of a chapter. A great friend reminds me often that everything changes. Everything cycles. If it sucks right now, it will change eventually. There is no shortage of amazing stories to tell about this city. Oakland has cradled me in her arms and allowed me to make mistakes; she has fostered abundant creativity, and made very clear that only the tough will survive. Oakland, will show you who you are.
Despite what it might look like, this is not running away to hide. This is not leaving under a cloak of darkness and disappearing like the unfortunate trend of ghosting. The last year forced so much change that it became too uncomfortable to stay. Pouring your soul into relationships, operating under the guise that an expected reciprocity will occur, is an exercise in gut-busting heartbreak. A lesson not easily learned these past thirty-eight years. It only took one year to reveal its painful truth and for change to become the evident solution.
Despite what it might look like, this is not holding grudges or burning bridges on the way out of town. Despite experiencing heartbreak several times over, there has been some healing, at least internally, yet there is sadness and mostly disappointment. A cycle has changed, so must I, or perish. Friends have moved away, gotten married, began the life-long project that is procreation, and nothing will be the same again. There is no reason to stay if the offerings of the locale no longer appeal.
Despite what it might look like, this is not depression or a rash decision. Lives change, and people don't. Instead of continuing on through another cycle of adulthood where expectation is fostered so that somehow, via some validation, a sense of worthiness and relevance is felt; I am choosing another path. For a while, the circumstances of being a single gal well into adulthood, meant that the biggest social events of the year were holidays with family. It became very clear that I might be alone, with a tiny dog, renting an apartment, in a city, forever. Making peace with that prognosis was tantamount; becoming UN-single (at least for the long haul) is actually very grim in the Bay Area. (Just a simple google search gave me this article and this map to prove it). All of that extra energy and livelihood I have that my married-with-children-peers do not have, is spent putting copious amounts of expectations into relationships that are remaining, that seemed fine when left to surface interactions; but when expectations take hold (and other distractions didn't), cracks will show.
There are events that occur in relationships that sometimes break the shell it lives in for good. It doesn't mean it cannot be placed back together in some way; but it takes a while, and it will never be the same. It can even be strong again, but the shape is different. There were already fissures in the shells before; but put back together many times over. This time, the house has crumbled in several large earthquakes, and so it's time to find a new house.
Despite what it may look like, this is not an attempt to isolate or a plea for empathy. If anything, the goal is to make a new community in the woods; a way to start over. There are a lot of outside opinions about this move; which feels as though my sweater snagged on a zipper while I was getting undressed to put on a new outfit; and the more I move the more the sweater unravels. The alternative to moving, looks like a bitter old dog lady, with too many chihuahuas who wanders the neighborhood in a housecoat yelling at the kids to stop skateboarding, who spends all day crocheting and watching PBS. Honestly, I already am that lady. It's not a cute look. So when the opportunity presented itself, the choice was clear. At the very least, there will be stories to write about.
Who knows how the story ends however, or how the characters will end up and what shape the relationships will take. There's a growing up happening here; and it feels like the right time. This year has been ramping up to a climax; fraught with relationships falling apart one after another. Earthquakes are not overnight sensations. They are years in the making. Many, many plate tectonic shifts and sometimes small rumbles break loose the rubble a little at a time. At some point, the Big One happens. It is expected, by many who pay attention. Earthquakes shake out the truth, and expose everything until it is bare and raw. The gently put together frame burst apart and I fell out; it couldn't hold me in that shape anymore. When everything seems lost, except the truth in your heart; you grieve - and then you move on. You rebuild.
So, this is rebuilding. The earth has shaken and now the horizon is different. Starting from ground zero, the future looks bright. The only expectations will be to learn something. So, onward, to meditate and pray in the woods and to find a new level of spirituality that I hope will be lasting. Bikes will be ridden on the wooded roads that ripple through neighborhoods of quaint and idyllic homes; a commune with nature that never seemed possible is at the top of the menu. The trees are a reliable source of happiness because they have been consistently standing in the same place for centuries. I feel visible among the woods. Not, as it would seem, invisible. Somewhere in childhood, I discovered my home amongst the trees. Something is waiting there, like the beginning of a new story in this short book of life. The only thing that kept me away so long, was expectation.
