I started the summer here at Pine Grove, with two of my closest friends. No matter where we three go, we laugh till we cry and pee our pants. And now, this late summer weekend in September, I am staying in a cabin at Pine Grove again, awaiting the masses that will come to hopefully experience a campout that is both fun and memorable. I'm so excited to have come full circle, in a place that has already made a huge impact on my life, and one that I feel will continue to for a long time.
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| Pine Grove Resort #6. My magical home for the weekend. |
This summer has been filled with belly laughter, camping trips, concerts, roller skating, love and travel. There has also been gut-wrenching heartache, soul-searching lessons, tears of sadness, triumph in self acceptance and finally, total surrender. I have learned the difference between physical sobriety, and emotional sobriety.
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you" ~ Walt Whitman
I am a Pisces. I am a dichotomous woman who goes with the flow while equally swimming upstream. I very easily fill the space of my surroundings like water and instantly lose myself in the moment of who I am with. This trait has left me heartbroken and confused more times than I would like to count, and this summer was no exception. I found myself on the painful end of losing several trusted friendships when I didn't see it coming. These friends seemed to have my best interest at heart yet left me feeling totally empty, destroyed and betrayed.
This experience of loss in friendships made me question myself more than anything. I suddenly didn't trust my own judgment of character which had always been reliable as old faithful. I usually know who you are the moment we meet. When I look back now, my first instincts were correct. However I prefer to focus on everyone's good qualities, and ignore the faults. This season has been more about learning to believe in myself, rather than judging others' character. I have learned to love myself through radical self-acceptance as a result of rejection from others.
"In a society that profits from your self doubt,
liking yourself is a rebellious act".
This summer I also fell in love. It had been 3 years since I last gave my heart to someone. I was certain that this time I was choosing different, therefore it would work out. He seemed to have everything I wanted and yet, I was blindsided by a sudden and random end. I simply couldn't understand it, or let it go. This experience taught me that I have to learn my true worth or I will repeat this vile experience again and again like I have my whole life. I have always chosen men who weren't really available for what I need. And sometimes they leave before I realize it, because they realize it first.
I don't know what hurts more; the heartbreak of a lesser man leaving you, or realizing that you're heartbroken over a lesser man.
These emotional ups and downs of the summer cracked me wide open. Desperate and vulnerable, I went on a truth seeking mission to figure out what my problem was (because let's face it, when people keep leaving you, the common denominator is YOU). I discovered that just because I stopped using drugs and drinking, my coping skills with relationships still needed some sobriety. For me, self knowledge often affects change. At least, I become willing to change once the truth is witnessed.
Hitting an emotional bottom brought me to my knees. I could no longer tolerate the self-pity, shame and self-flagellation; I had to surrender any ideas I had about who I am or what I want for my life. I still struggle with the post-WWII concept of success imprinted upon me by my parents. As a modern, single woman living in an urban environment for over a decade, I always find my ideals at odds. Today, I have decided to put everything I want or believe in, on trial.
Hitting an emotional bottom brought me to my knees. I could no longer tolerate the self-pity, shame and self-flagellation; I had to surrender any ideas I had about who I am or what I want for my life. I still struggle with the post-WWII concept of success imprinted upon me by my parents. As a modern, single woman living in an urban environment for over a decade, I always find my ideals at odds. Today, I have decided to put everything I want or believe in, on trial.
But I am not the final judge. In the act of surrendering the chaos of my watery brain to the greater universe; my life has launched into an 80 mph thrill ride of service, surprises and pure joy. The joy has come from getting out of my own way.
When I decided to give up any expectations, I was relieved of disappointment.
The more that I am other-centered, I find that everything I am responsible for happens magically. My life simply just works out. As soon as I decided to throw myself into being available for women in need, and putting my talents to good use for many in my immediate community, I was handed the love I was looking for. It didn't exactly show up in the form I would have expected but it is exactly what I need.
Today, I put my higher power at the center of my life, and my life becomes about altruism and my higher power. I used to get completely knocked off my spiritual game when a man was in my life because he would become my higher power. When you make another human responsible for all of your well-being you only get disappointed and hurt. I was forced to find a way to be ok alone before I could allow relationships to flourish organically and without so much pressure to fill my God-shaped hole. Today, I am keen to keep that spiritual path at the center of my purview. Magically, I go to bed every night feeling loved, satiated and secure in myself. I need or want for nothing. I have more than I ever could deserve. It is only my honest joy to give it back.
Today, I put my higher power at the center of my life, and my life becomes about altruism and my higher power. I used to get completely knocked off my spiritual game when a man was in my life because he would become my higher power. When you make another human responsible for all of your well-being you only get disappointed and hurt. I was forced to find a way to be ok alone before I could allow relationships to flourish organically and without so much pressure to fill my God-shaped hole. Today, I am keen to keep that spiritual path at the center of my purview. Magically, I go to bed every night feeling loved, satiated and secure in myself. I need or want for nothing. I have more than I ever could deserve. It is only my honest joy to give it back.
"It is in the giving, that we receive" ~ St. Francis Prayer
I have no idea what the future holds, in love or in life, but I do know that right here right now, is all that matters. As I begin to put this epic campout weekend to rest, I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to put this newfound emotional sobriety to test. The response from this weekend has made my heart so full; bursting in fact, with love, peace, joy, gratitude and serenity for the massive connection made up here. In getting out of my own way and just showing up where I felt called, people were able to step up and serve in their own way too. As a Type-A Perfectionist, it is not my normal instinct to allow others to show up authentically. This is the miracle I experienced this weekend, no doubt as a result of the lessons I learned over the summer and in the last 2.5 years of sobriety.
Peeling back the onion layers of my soul has never been so painful, but pain breeds desperation and only in that space do we tap out and try something different. I ran through my tool kit of coping skills and allowed my higher power to just take the wheel. As evidenced by the results, I can assure you this method is way better than whatever my plans or designs might be.
The real beauty of not being numb all the time, is that I get to experience all of life's emotions, not just the deeply sad ones or the inebriated ones. The joy of sobriety and service is way more powerful than any drug or drink I've ever taken. The power of being useful in the world creates a new sense of confidence and ease I have never experienced before. Experiencing true joy and contentment is a gift I cherish so deeply, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
The real beauty of not being numb all the time, is that I get to experience all of life's emotions, not just the deeply sad ones or the inebriated ones. The joy of sobriety and service is way more powerful than any drug or drink I've ever taken. The power of being useful in the world creates a new sense of confidence and ease I have never experienced before. Experiencing true joy and contentment is a gift I cherish so deeply, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
~*~ shine on you crazy diamonds ~*~
