It's been a while since I've posted, and like anything you want to be better at, practice is key. These past few months have been exhilarating, exhausting, purposeful, trying and satisfying. I've worked very hard on my 12 Step program and am deeply embedded in the new community I am privileged to be on this journey with. At 8 months of sobriety, I've learned that patience is a game and not a thing I can control. In fact, pretty much nothing is under my control. I used to be a control freak (still am sometimes - working on it); thinking that I was being so helpful and organizing everyone's life all the time. Turns out, spinning my wheels pushing people around caused my own life to be left in a pile of wreckage. I probably (no, totally) was a pain in the ass to deal with. Part of my 4th step is doing a personal inventory of resentments and learning what my part in them might be. This particular step has taken me over 6 months... and counting. It's a long list... what can I say? 35 years of pain takes a while to inventory.
Resentments aside, I'm learning boundaries and self-care. Many of my closest relationships were operating in a way that caused me continual stress and you guessed it, resentments. I never really learned how to say no, or draw a line where something didn't suit my comfortability so I manifested coping mechanisms via other avenues - namely, alcohol and drugs. Without these numbing agents, all the feels are hard to digest at once, so I've been kind of isolating while I attend a few meetings a week and diligently reorganize my entire apartment.
This year has also afforded me some amazing travel excursions in the name of saving money on booze and cigarettes and parties. (I also switched to vaping). This summer I attended my second TAPS Siblings Retreat with other sibling survivors of lost soldiers. These trips are usually intense, exhausting and chaotic at best. This was no exception, but I got to see some amazing SoCal beaches and riding bikes through Newport was a distinct highlight. After that I went to Taos, NM; the highlight of my summer for sure. My long time friend and I went to explore Earthships as a means to inform my journey to build off-grid. The Earthship, Taos, the people in Taos, the crazy desert rave dance party at the local brewery at the end of the week was all just crazy amazing. After that I went to visit my grandparents in Madison, WI. They're originally from there but moved to Fort Myers many years ago and I've only ever visited them in FL. They are getting on and bought a summer home in McFarland just outside of Madison. It was a weird experience, but they managed to gather all the extended relatives I'd never met and that was super cool. To see your roots, the people you come from on the extensions of the family tree and to hear stories about great, great, great relatives is an experience most folks don't get. I'm super grateful for those wonderful people.
Next up: Nashville! I decided that I need some space from the family obligations for the holidays this year and decided to leave town on Christmas Day. I'm worried I will feel sad and lonely and nostalgic to be on a plane and in another city that day, but I'm meeting a good friend who I haven't seen in a long time so, there's that. I'm also a new person, and the old habits and ways and distinct family stresses of Christmas are not a welcome time anymore. At least not until I have practiced more boundary protection in a more loving way.
So there it is, I'm knee deep in practice: Prayer, Meditation, Inventory, Gratefulness, Service and Self-Love. It's all a practice and I'm just doing it one day at a time.
