This is one of those moments in life, where everything changes. Things have felt painful and stagnant for the last few years and I think we were all suffering from that mercury retrograde thing together. Sometimes life changes because you make it, and sometimes I think forces at large are in play.
All at the same time, the following has occurred:
- I turned 35 (yay hormones)
- I decided to get sober (30 days!)
- I am up for a promotion at work ($$$)
- I'm helping my cousin launch an awesome short film project
Suffice it to say, I am busy. All the while, I am trying to keep my mind on writing a book about my experiences of losing my brother in Iraq 6 years ago. I occasionally schedule interviews with members of my family, record them and then put it in a file for a while. There hasn't been that much actual writing. I keep saying I'll do it when I'm less busy, but we all know that's probably just an excuse. This is a great example of the artist's dilemma.
As of today, I have 30 days of sobriety, the film project has barely met 40% of it's funding needs, and I'm leaning into the daily grind of my ever increasing job stress. Everything is new, challenging; and I'm facing it all whilst finding new ways to cope with daily life. The emotional roller coaster that is early sobriety is hard to explain. The first few weeks were easy enough, as the horrors of my recent escapades were still fresh and haunting. Now that I have rested, exercised, and worked hard for a month straight; I'm ready to have some fun and blow off steam. My alcoholic diseased brain tells me I can have a drink now, but I know it's just a pinhole view that will open to wider consequences.
There are many reasons, other than the consequences, to get sober. As I near middle-age, I realize that I've wasted a lot of precious years partying and ducking away from potentially great suitors because I was too embarrassed to date anyone successful. For shame! My empty bank account! Dirty apartment! Skeletons in the closet! I didn't feel good enough to date anyone worthy of my love, because I was too scared to be found out. As my body clock ticks away I realize if I want those things; family, a loving husband; I'd probably do best to take a good hard look at myself.
And so I am here. I find sobriety difficult and a relief all at once. I don't have to worry about driving, or paying bills, or saving up for that piece of land somewhere. Opportunities seem to abound and if I make good, conscious and sober decisions, I can potentially achieve all my wildest dreams. Risk vs. Reward is a philosophical concept I was never good at. Ironically, I like things stable, predictable and planned. Now that I am older, wiser and sober, I feel I can face these life changing decisions with a cool head, and forge a solid destiny. Whereas in the past, I have always played catch up and "fix the crises" over and over. I don't know why I never saw the difference before. Predictably, life will always bring instability, and now I can plan for it.
I guess this is adulthood. Finally.
***Please check out our film project and support if you can here!***
