Courage Under Fire

I did a crazy thing.  I left my friends and family and moved 3 hours east to Tuolumne county.  I loved my apartment in Oakland.  I had a nice sized 1-bedroom with a view of Lake Merritt, under rent control.  Just by leaving, I allowed another affordable housing unit to become "market-rate" which is more than I could even afford.  I can't believe that this December will be 10 years that my baby brother will have been gone.  Sometimes just when I think the grief is past me, a TV scene at Dover hits me like a BB in the eye ball (or if you're a guy, the actual balls).  It will knock the wind out of me and I am instantly reduced to a sobbing mess.  Tonight, while watching Madam Secretary, that very scene flashed across the screen and it all hit me.   

I was reminded that since my brother has passed, my life has taken on a new meaning.  For a few years in the beginning I chose to deal with my grief through escapism.  I drank and partied my feelings into numbness so that I could buy myself some time to get a little bit farther away from the rawness of it all.  10 years ago things seemed like they were in shambles.  The country had just voted for a black president and I was terrified they would assassinate him.  2 years later my cousin was killed by an Amtrak train.  It hasn't been an easy road, but always in the back of my mind, is this drive to live a higher purpose.  My brother Ben made me promise to never stop writing, and that is a promise I intend to keep.  I also made him another promise (posthumously); to be brave and to have courage, like he did those years ago in Baghdad.  Even if I feel like the state of the world is hopeless, or the state of our future as humans on this planet is a foregone tragedy, even if I feel beat down by opposition around me everyday, I carry this promise with me; to live my life with purpose.  Ben may have died young, but his life was still remarkable; and in his honor, I have to choose the braver path so that I do not waste mine. 

So, I moved to the woods.  Up until now, I have struggled with mixed feelings about everything I might have been running from.  There are plenty of reasons I could list - Oakland, the Bay Area, the many friends who have moved away - as to why I left.  Up until now I couldn't reconcile that I was running away from something.  Even though I knew it intellectually, I finally realized that I am actually moving towards something.  Anyone who knows me is aware that I have always wanted to live in the woods.  Many of you reminded me of that when I announced that it was finally happening.  I waited so long to make the move because I suspected that moving to a small town would greatly reduce my dating pool. This past summer I dated a man I really saw a future with.  After 6 short months he ghosted me while I was on vacation.  He simply vanished and refused to take my calls or break up with me in person.  This was a breaking point for me.  I decided to stop hinging my life plans on finding a husband first. Many of you expressed how proud you were that I would do this brave thing on my own, without a man, and without knowing a soul out here.  There were some that also expressed extreme disdain and judgment that I asked for financial help to do it.  I had to remind myself that anyone who takes risks, has to expect some opposition.  I was not prepared for it, but repeated shaming and judgment is one of the reasons I felt it was time to leave.  There were enough incidents, failed relationships and closed doors to seal my conviction.

This whole move felt like it was happening at me, or to me, not something I was really driving or having to push too hard to make happen.  It all went so fast with very little work on my part.  From the time I put in my application to the time I moved took only 3 weeks.  After 12 years living in the same apartment, I could have hung on forever perhaps.  However, I was tired of waking up wondering if I'll still be in the same place in 20 years.  The fear won out and I decided to just get on the train.  I have truly felt some greater hand is at work here, and tonight I realized what it was.  

All my life I have struggled with fear, self-doubt, second-guessing every move I make and definitely, DEFINITELY self-sabotage in fear that success will be disregarded (because it has in the past).  My father always encouraged me to be brave, to venture into the great wide unknown and figure it out.  He was not someone who would hand-hold for very long, and you were expected to at least try things on your own.  He promised he would be there when we fell, and he always has.  For Ben, I suppose I choose to take risks, to follow my true path like he did; fear be damned.  My brother died a hero for this country 10 years ago this New Year's Eve, and he will never be forgotten.  His bravery encourages me every day to live my truth, and to forge onward despite the many who may not agree  with my choices.  Ben encountered many who opposed his choice to join the Army (it was 2008, and we were at war with Iraq...) but he did it anyway because he needed to follow his path.  He joined because it was what he had always wanted to do, and certainly because the country needed him too.  Perhaps it was this brave choice that led me to make mine.  Because of him, I do my best to combat all of the fears - being alone out here, fear of some wild animal attacking me or my tiny dog, or simply just the possible madness of loneliness.  

I didn't run away from a life that was becoming small and insignificant in Oakland.  I chose to take the opportunity that was handed to me because I felt like some higher being was ushering me in that direction.  I felt like it was time, and I had to take this chance now or I might never leave.  Despite fear and opposition, I have to follow my path.  I am out here seeking a deeper understanding of my spirituality, and of the power I have experienced in the great outdoors.  I am seeking that little girl inside that used to be so curious and imaginative and was never afraid of being outside.  I am seeking the innocence I once had about life and the future and to find new ways to be brave instead of giving in to fear.  I am seeking refuge from all that has made me feel broken, unlovable, rejected and denied the basic courtesy of respect.  There are a million reasons I needed to be away from my previous environment; but I'll leave the past in the past.  The only thing I carry forward with me now, is the memory of my brother who always made me laugh in the most dire of moments.  Ben was one of my biggest advocates, and he always stood up for what was right.  To me he is a hero, and my brother.  I know I can never live up to his memory in bravery, but I can at least try to live my best life in choosing a path that is true.  

RIP BOTMFC

"Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway" ~ John Wayne

Great Expectations

I am leaving the city, and moving to the woods.  It's been a long time coming.  For the last 5 years or so, this life in Oakland has started to feel like it was coming to the end of a chapter.  A great friend reminds me often that everything changes.  Everything cycles.  If it sucks right now, it will change eventually.  There is no shortage of amazing stories to tell about this city.  Oakland has cradled me in her arms and allowed me to make mistakes; she has fostered abundant creativity, and made very clear that only the tough will survive.  Oakland, will show you who you are. 

Despite what it might look like, this is not running away to hide.  This is not leaving under a cloak of darkness and disappearing like the unfortunate trend of ghosting.  The last year forced so much change that it became too uncomfortable to stay.  Pouring your soul into relationships, operating under the guise that an expected reciprocity will occur, is an exercise in gut-busting heartbreak.  A lesson not easily learned these past thirty-eight years. It only took one year to reveal its painful truth and for change to become the evident solution. 

Despite what it might look like, this is not holding grudges or burning bridges on the way out of town.  Despite experiencing heartbreak several times over, there has been some healing, at least internally, yet there is sadness and mostly disappointment.  A cycle has changed, so must I, or perish.  Friends have moved away, gotten married, began the life-long project that is procreation, and nothing will be the same again.  There is no reason to stay if the offerings of the locale no longer appeal. 

Despite what it might look like, this is not depression or a rash decision.  Lives change, and people don't.  Instead of continuing on through another cycle of adulthood where expectation is fostered so that somehow, via some validation, a sense of worthiness and relevance is felt; I am choosing another path.  For a while, the circumstances of being a single gal well into adulthood, meant that the biggest social events of the year were holidays with family.  It became very clear that I might be alone, with a tiny dog, renting an apartment, in a city, forever.  Making peace with that prognosis was tantamount; becoming UN-single (at least for the long haul) is actually very grim in the Bay Area.  (Just a simple google search gave me this article and this map to prove it).  All of that extra energy and livelihood I have that my married-with-children-peers do not have, is spent putting copious amounts of expectations into relationships that are remaining, that seemed fine when left to surface interactions; but when expectations take hold (and other distractions didn't), cracks will show.   
There are events that occur in relationships that sometimes break the shell it lives in for good.  It doesn't mean it cannot be placed back together in some way; but it takes a while, and it will never be the same.  It can even be strong again, but the shape is different.  There were already fissures in the shells before; but put back together many times over.  This time, the house has crumbled in several large earthquakes, and so it's time to find a new house.  

Despite what it may look like, this is not an attempt to isolate or a plea for empathy.  If anything, the goal is to make a new community in the woods; a way to start over.  There are a lot of outside opinions about this move;  which feels as though my sweater snagged on a zipper while I was getting undressed to put on a new outfit; and the more I move the more the sweater unravels.  The alternative to moving, looks like a bitter old dog lady, with too many chihuahuas who wanders the neighborhood in a housecoat yelling at the kids to stop skateboarding, who spends all day crocheting and watching PBS.  Honestly, I already am that lady.  It's not a cute look.  So when the opportunity presented itself, the choice was clear.  At the very least, there will be stories to write about.  

Who knows how the story ends however, or how the characters will end up and what shape the relationships will take.  There's a growing up happening here; and it feels like the right time.  This year has been ramping up to a climax; fraught with relationships falling apart one after another. Earthquakes are not overnight sensations.  They are years in the making.  Many, many plate tectonic shifts and sometimes small rumbles break loose the rubble a little at a time.  At some point, the Big One happens.  It is expected, by many who pay attention.  Earthquakes shake out the truth, and expose everything until it is bare and raw.  The gently put together frame burst apart and I fell out; it couldn't hold me in that shape anymore.  When everything seems lost, except the truth in your heart; you grieve - and then you move on.  You rebuild.  


So, this is rebuilding.  The earth has shaken and now the horizon is different.  Starting from ground zero, the future looks bright.  The only expectations will be to learn something.  So, onward, to meditate and pray in the woods and to find a new level of spirituality that I hope will be lasting.  Bikes will be ridden on the wooded roads that ripple through neighborhoods of quaint and idyllic homes; a commune with nature that never seemed possible is at the top of the menu.  The trees are a reliable source of happiness because they have been consistently standing in the same place for centuries. I feel visible among the woods.  Not, as it would seem, invisible.  Somewhere in childhood, I discovered my home amongst the trees.   Something is waiting there, like the beginning of a new story in this short book of life.  The only thing that kept me away so long, was expectation.