I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about expectations, hope, future-trippin', self-will, and finally acceptance. The state of the world, the country, the government, the police-state, the nation's healthcare and basic human needs remaining unmet (see: housing crisis) has me wanting to control something. If I just moved to the mesa in New Mexico and built me an Earthship, everything would be right. If I just hurry up and get married, have babies and start a life with my partner, everything would be perfect.
If I just... If I just...
Restlessness is a beast of a burden and immensely uncomfortable because in my experience, restlessness left untreated with tools of a spiritual nature lead to escapism; self-medicating, self-destruction; wreckage. Let's face it, we live in a world that wants us to die, unless we're über-wealthy. And if you're blessed enough to be in that category, you're wealth only buys you freedom within a social construct designed to oppress others.
Escapism. I dream of lost, large open spaces where the only noise are the sounds of crows scavenging for mice. The simplicity of life and death is stripped down to it's most basic display and reminds me that death and birth are a continuing cycle. In the rat-race city life my own mortality is hung before me like a marionette on a stage made of bills, FICO scores and consumerist ads. Puppeteering not-so-behind-the-curtain are the wizards of corporate banking you can never seem to escape.
Freedom. All I want is freedom. Freedom from bondage of these racist, insufferable, illegal, repugnant and utterly demoralizing agendas under which many more than I are directly under it's thumb. I am fairly certain, that my late brother did not die so that my neighbors, friends, countrymates would be homeless, sick and dying with no healthcare, deported, and stripped of their basic human rights to travel freely about the country for which they stand. My brother did not die for this. My brother died for his brothers in arms. My brother died for his son. My brother died for his country, for which he swore a solemn oath to protect. That man in the hot seat in the big white house swore a similar oath, yet has only protected his own.
This is not a post about politics. This is a post about action. Sitting and stewing in anger, resentment, fear; is a choice I cannot afford. The action laid before me is one of passive action; the choice to lay it all down. I have no control over the past, or the future, but I can throw my hands up and be grateful, give thanks and help my fellows. I can make tiny ripples in a vast sea of humanity, if only touching those closest to me. I can't, but a higher power can. Today, I will give up my self-will and honor my brother, my family, my friends and loved ones, with the surrender of all my controlling nature. Politics cycle and can incessantly fatigue ones sense of urgency to let go and let God. What's more, is that news these days cannot be trusted anyway, therefore the only trust I bestow is that in my closest loved ones, and a power greater than myself. I surrender. Throw in the towel. I have been broken enough over the course of my life, and today I choose to be in this moment, and love as much as I am able and serve those in need around me.
Evidence of past actions has proven this to be the most effective relief of restlessness because in the moment I am surrendering and trusting God, I am not in fear. And fear is the birthplace of all things destructive in my life. I choose a life of freedom on these terms. That, is what my brother died for.
I hope you find your own freedom too.
